Preface

I know this is a bit long so please bear with this essay. Or skim or skip to the end, it's cool.

An Artist Making Art

I've been making pictures from an early age in some capacity or another. I've always been imaginative, though an imaginative problem solver is the best way to describe myself I think. I've always been the quiet person, growing up, in school, and now working my way through life. I've always been a private person with the exception of when I’m in good company. This last year, in 2012 I investigated into what introversion really is. For years I thought it was a side effect of my childhood and that had prevented me from being a happy and social person like everyone else; I remember hearing on TV shows about serial killers and someone would inevitably always say, "so-and-so was always so quiet", or "so-and-so never really had a lot of friends." This was something that I was compared to on several occasions which sticks in my head to this day. I know those descriptions are false now, but in the back of my head I can't help but think that people think this about me. It just makes me want to hide again. I've always kept my thoughts private because they could be used against me, or at least that has been my reasoning for a very long time. In the last twenty years or so, my head has been sorta chaotic with no real sense of direction. Actually, no; there has been a direction, I know where I want to go but the path is too fuzzy. I've learned that other peoples input for me has been really good and something that I should listen to. As hyper rational as I am, I'm very irrational and self-destructive when something positive comes my way or drops in my lap. I either wait too long to make things happen or just figure that things won't happen, hence nothing happens. Things that I kinda thought about, others say I should do or be doing. Maybe I'm not a total fool.

I've always made art and have been told, for years, that I could do this for a living, but I've backed out of so many opportunities because I can't seem to bring myself to play the art “game”. I’m not made for any of that. I can only make art. You would figure that that would be enough. But, apparently, being an artist is more than just making art nowadays; a concept that doesn't make a lot of sense to me because I'm a person that doesn't play pretend, and my art is certainly no exception. I make art because I can’t express myself clearly any other way. It helps organize my head, to put things in a way that would make sense for people to look in. My problem, though, is that I’m lucky if a piece even gets to the audience, thanks to the unrelenting standards I've set for myself.

I have never "given up" on a piece because I can't make it work. I can point out the ones that I think are failures on my part, but when I point out the problems that I see, only my eyes can see them. I do this in my social life as well. An old art teacher of mine once told me that "if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well." I do this to extremes. I rarely show the work I make because it's very hard for anything I put all my effort into––both physically and mentally––just to have it fall apart at the end from rejection. Like many artists, I judge myself so harshly and my own personal bar is so high that I can't even reach my own goals. I don't see myself as a career person so I've usually left jobs when I got bored with them or moved onto other things when I felt I was useless. Making pictures or, at least, the technical skill required to make a good picture is something that I understand and that is something I can spend my life understanding and breaking down the process and sharing the results. In another life I would be a scientist, but in this one I make pictures. I like the discovery of seeing good technique and sharing with others that don't yet understand how to accomplish it.

As I moved from day to day throughout my life, I keep pressing the pause button on my art. I make progress then stop, resume then stop.

I don't want to do that anymore.

At any given moment I have so many thoughts but I have a hard time opening up to to share or release the pressure from overthinking. That is where art come into this. Art isn't just made up, it comes from somewhere. It is a puzzle without pieces. The artist has to make those pieces and make the picture. It doesn't just happen. It's a lot easier to say it does though.

The Portrait

It's been a long time since I've done any real portraiture. It's something that really makes me think about the subject/subjects and why they matter. Anyone can paint or draw a photo realistic portrait. I want to do more with it. The reason for the the Stephen Colbert portrait is simple. He's a hero of mine. Not having a father figure, I had to grasp at role models while growing up, and do so even today. Like Colbert, there are figures pushing against the current and making real differences in the world around them that need support to keep them doing what they are doing. I can contribute with money, but money only goes so far. Physical materials will last longer and can be shared and kept if they are worthy of keeping. Art survives. Look at history and think about what survives––some architecture, some literature, and a lot of art. I’m not saying I’m contributing to a future archaeological discovery, but I’d like to make a statement about what’s important now.

So, then why the blog? That’s a simple answer: it’s all about pulling me out of my comfort zone. To put it plainly, my comfort zone hasn't been very successful for me and has been actually maddening in many ways. I'm going to put everything in this experience––from the dirty sketches to the crisp final product––out there for the world to consume. I don't expect much to come of this, but I'm reaching out to anyone out there who may be listening (or reading) and maybe they’ll pass it along. As painful as it is to open myself to a potential endless amount of eyes––with their anonymous judgment (both good and bad)––in this way, maybe something will come of it. Since I can't predict the future, I can at the very least put new ideas and work in the stream of time and possibly affect something in the future. I'm reaching out to the world with this. I'm alive, I'm here, and I'm doing something. I have always been an artist making art, but now I’m making art in the open (this one time), at the mercy of the sun and the rain.

I’m entering a 3rd chapter of my life. I've lived in the past like a broken human for a long time now. There is no going back. I've jumped off the cliff when I was born, I’m gonna hit the ground one day but, in the meantime, it’s time to make the drop down with my eyes open and as a bad-ass rather than just waiting for the impact.

Rock on everyone. Beyond art, I feel I don’t have too much to contribute, but if this is my own small way of doing that, then I’ll be happy.