July 24
Spent the morning looking at the painting. What the hell is going on?? It’s needs a lot more complexity. A lot more. I’m getting the shapes blocked in and I think I like what I’m seeing. I need to work on the sky to get a real sense of compositional balance.
Yesterday T asked if I’d like to have a piece in an upcoming show on the 2nd. I’ll be dropping it off tonight. I won’t be around for the opening though. I think about hiding at these things. Strange thing though, I want to hide out at the openings but the last opening have been strangely pleasant so I don’t know why I feel that way. I just try to not be “weird”, but who am I kidding. 10 minutes in a gallery and I’m ready to go home or walk around somewhere else. I’m going to Devils tower that day anyways so I’m not sure why I’m even thinking about it.
And T and E gave me a rockin Pangloss Gravatron shirt! I’ll be wearing it with pride. Note to self: don’t paint in the shirt.
July 23
Woke up, and put about an hour into the painting. Added a little more to the pallet - some paynes gray, cobalt blue, and titanium/zinc white. Just a few tweaks before work.
Got to work, soon after I get the last of my tattoo equipment in. Fuck yeah.
Lately there has been haze around the mountains. Gonna add haze... and people to this composition.
Resumed painting after work. The thing about painting is this. You’re alone. Totally alone. I’m alone in this process. I can’t remember if I thought this in college art class. There is no one around to talk to or listen to. I have the voices in my head, or memories really. I get the step-guy in my head telling me that I’m stupid and worthless again. This painting is stupid and everyone else will think it’s stupid too. There are the occasional snickers but I have the self doubt. The whole painting is doubt. Doubt about me being able to make this presentable at the end. I have to keep telling myself that this isn’t so bad. It’s okay. I just need to keep working on it and it will be done. I don’t hate, I don’t want to hate, but I really dislike the step-guy and the damage he’s caused. I’ve only made the effort to know people that I think are worth knowing. It’s been a long going trend in my life and I don’t know if it’s worth breaking. I want to surround myself with good people that I would like to know for the rest of my life. There are only so many people in my life that know enough about me and whose thoughts and opinions really matter that I can trust them and ask for them. My inner circle, my 3 rings. I’m not strong enough on my own to fix everything, I thought I was but I’ve been wrong. So this painting, I’ll keep going, fixing and adding as I see fit for what I see. I’m not a total failure at art or anything, and the memory voice is wrong. It can go to hell. I’ll even drag it there myself and bury it. I’ll take the magic pill that will allow me to do this. Some have confidence in me and I wish I can feel it when I’m working on this painting. But for now, I’m on autopilot. Once it’s complete the real feedback will come in, or not, never can tell.
July 22
Worked like a fool all day. Got some more tattoo stuff in the mail, that was good. Planning the new tattoo design as time permits of course. Seems that my research info can only go so deep into the subject matter of the talisman. Enough of the bull shit though.
The painting has changed. I don’t hate painting. It’s the feeling preceding the painting. What is gonna happen, where is it gonna go. Will the time spent be worth it? Thinking about this new painting, I don’t know what is gonna show up.
When sketching the thing in, all I know is my heart will be there, stabbed with nails or something sharp. The pain that I was feeling during the first month of my newer job. The thought that the pain I was experiencing was my heart about to go out, maybe at any moment. I was thinking that I can take control of the pain and make it go away. I could count on it several times a day. I was thinking about how embarrassing it would be to have a heart attack at work or if I was at home and no one would know and whether or not a hospital was an option for me. Maybe the ground will be very sharp. An old element in my drawings of 10 years ago had new sheets/plates stacked and suspended over old sheets/ruins. The skyline, like in all of Denver has to be incorporated into this piece. I’m here, this is what I see, it’s that simple. When I’m out and about in town or on the road, I feel that everything is familiar, but not familiar at the same time (doublethink for seeing). I’ve seen it before, but haven’t seen THIS before. The same applies for the human structures in this. I’ve seen them, we’ve seen them, but do we know them. Clouds, you can’t beat the clouds here. Listening to the Pandora radio that I’ve got going, one station played Slayers “Raining Blood”. I’m not into Slayer, just not my thing, but the image of blood falling from a lacerated sky. I like it. It’s done. But where do I go with the color pallet?
Colors used thus far...: Burnt Umber, Yellow Ochre and a bit of Red. Full color pallet to be used: gray, van dyke brown, white (titanium/zinc), some kind of red, burnt/raw umber, some kind of blue. Let’s crank this out.
July 21
The painting has changed. It has all changed. After looking at the old sketchbooks and my fragmented plans for compositions, this portrait has changed. The portrait will have to wait. The Monster series will begin now. I was too lazy to make a stretcher bar for this painting. ironed a majority of the wrinkles out, sized it and primed it then stapled it to the wall. I have no idea what I’m gonna paint on this, other than a few loose ideas in my head. Buildings, things falling apart, a giant heart with nails or something sharp touching it or coming out of it. Symbols of my fear. My fear of my heart stopping with the occasional pain. Buildings representing where I am now, here, in Colorado. The sky, the mountains, the fear that lies underneath what we think we know. A body that is not alive or it too alive and fears death. These are things I don’t know. I have to do this now. I can’t think about where this is going. It’s done. I can make shit up as I go along and painting is no exception. I’m gonna do it. Monster. The series has begin. I should be clear, I don’t see it as a demon. These aren't my demons, they are my Monsters. Things that are too powerful for me to defeat, but I will try. Maybe others will see their monsters in this painting too. I can only hope, but I have no hope so my wish is to have other feel something that they can relate to. If not, no big deal.
July 20
More tattoo machine practice. Picked up a few more books from my mothers place. J and A hung out today and I made some raisin bread in the machine. I really like the damn machine. Now that I have 100lbs of flour in my car, I’m gonna use that shit up!
Looking at some of my old sketchbooks I see where I began my line/sketch drawings. They first emerged in 2000. Also, there are some elements that emerge now that I was addressing or exploring back then. Even though I want this damn portrait to start, I don’t think it will, or, at least as soon as I want it to. I’ll just do my portrait a few times I guess. Maybe I’ll put the call out again but people are busy so if there are no takers, I’m doing mine. Also, the Tibetan mantra I was gonna tattoo on myself means something other than what I thought it meant. So, the Evil Eye it is. I’m leaning towards the Hamsa or Khamsa. Unless I find better images, I’m gonna do my rendition of it. So far it’s the perfect symbol to ward off evil and the patterns involved make for something that fits me well. Ugh... I CAN’T WAIT!! I just need a few small liners and I’ll be ready to do it. Aside from drawing it out in Inkscape first.
July 19
Put the bread machine to use... and it worked like a champ! Fresh french bread baby! And today my work had to get rid of extra ingredients, so I’m saving 100 lbs of bleached and unbleached bread flour from the landfill. Anyone that comes over, is gettin bread from me.
I’m still thinking about the portrait(s) and tattoo machines. I’ll buy another machine today though. Why not right??
I need to eat better.
July 18
I’ve been obsessing over the tattoo stuff. One thing about motorcycles, for me at least is the possibility to customize and repair the machine and ultimately make it your own. It becomes an extension of you, the owner and operator. The machine does what you want to do, not the other way around. You don’t feel that in a car. Now I’m thinking the same for the tattoo machines. There is a frame, “motor”, parts you need to be there for it to work like handlebars, etc., etc. There are so many ways to customize your tattoo machine to make it do and operate the way you want or need it to. You make it happen. I’m really loving that at the moment. Like a paintbrush, you have your go-to brushes for the jobs at hand. Eventually the brush will wear out and become a hindrance then they are retired. When I’m at work I want to be fiddling with the machines and make them work for me.
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