July 25 - 30

July 31

Work really fucking sucked. It was one of those days where you need to dig into every tiny detail of the past week to see what went wrong where. I’d rather write SOPs for my position. I enjoy writing technical docs. I didn’t paint. I needed a day off. I’ve been working on the thing too aggressively and have been damaging the paint film. I’m giving it a day to breathe. Don’t know if I’ll have time to work on it tomorrow because I need to clean my place for an inspection. At this point in the painting I can’t do any more under painting of the foreground. I need to start using glazes and very small bristle brushes to do what I want to do. But first I should work on the heart more and the horizon and sky. That will point me in the right direction for how I’m gonna work on the color scheme for glazing the foreground.

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July 30

Spent the first part of my day over at the Colorado DMV. Just so you know, the DMV out here really sucks. It goes by county. And each location isn’t standardized. Sometimes you wait for 2-3 hours just so someone at the counter will say “oh, you have to go over there”. Really fucking lame. Really. Fucking. Lame.

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July 29

Work and some painting. But the painting has changed on me. The paynes grey fought me and won. I had to cover up the cobalt blue and grey mix with yellow ochre, titanium white, and burnt umber. The mountain skyline wasn’t working, it was too “soft”. The accidental over haze and shapes that emerged from the aggressive brush strokes made this become very inorganic. I think this is gonna work now.

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July 28

Painted. Went to a local hardware store to get materials to re-do a chair I saved from the trash at an antique auction across the street. Turns out, chair stuff ain’t so easy to get as I thought it would be. Went back to my brothers and played more Demon Souls. Made a lot of progress... I think.

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July 27

Painted. Took a break and went to my brothers place and started a file in Demon Souls. Damn, that game is old school. Lots of repeating areas. Like Zelda 2 on the NES. When you lose your lives, you gotta go back, sometimes way back just to get your ass beat again. Finished the night at The Artists Ball. Meh.

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July 26

Only 30 minutes on the painting this morning. I think I’m seeing where the color balance will go. Top will match the bottom with the horizon as the dividing line. Middle left to right is gonna be light to dark then bottom right to left will be dark to light. The heart in the middle will be evened out by how I balance the colors in the center of the painting. I don’t think I’ll add any new colors to the pallet. I think what I have is good enough to do what I want to do. It’s getting the gray/blue mixture to work with me.

It’s been a slow day at work. I’m a whipping boy here though so I have to ask how high when ordered to jump.

I might be able to paint a portrait on Sunday though. Not a super quick one either. One I can start and actually put time and energy into and perhaps match the sitters personality as best as I can. That would be nice.

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July 25

Working the angles. Trying not to think too hard about everything. Just work on the painting dude, just work on the painting.

Gave a bunch of desserts away this morning. I really hate seeing food go to waste. Besides, desserts are supposed to be happy food so they need to be shared.

Paint mother fucker, PAINT!

Avoidant Personality Disorder?

July 24

I know I have anxiety issues never fully diagnosed I should mention. I’m rather positive of that. There was a bit of therapy or something a long time ago but I didn’t quite know what I should have been doing or saying. I was given questions and I would respond. This was in high school so not really in the immediate past. I’m all for researching things, but I’m both scared and maybe a bit more enlightened by what I’m learning. No, actually kinda bummed.

So reading into what “anxiety” is, I do have a lot of the symptoms of anxiety disorders. So I’m just one of 40 million people that have it. Okay, no big deal right? It’s normal to be abnormal. But what’s this about Generalized Personality Disorder? Some of this is getting personal... But with 6.8 million adults that experience this, alright, so it’s a passing thing. Now wait just a minute. Avoidant Personality Disorder you say?? Oh my god Mr. or Miss article, you are scaring me a bit. So all your signs and symptoms, yes, you must be talking about me.

What you say:

Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism.
One of those yes, applies to me.

Self-imposed social isolation.
I think the above illustrates why.

Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships.
I wouldn’t say I’m shy, maybe just anxious in social situations yes. Strong desire for close friendships, yes.

Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus.
No, not me at all.

Feelings of inadequacy.
Yes, my whole life I think...

Severe low self-esteem.
What do YOU define as severe?

Self-loathing.
Maybe sometimes, but don’t we all go through it? But YOU don’t let it stop you do you? or do you?

Mistrust of others.
Total strangers, sure, but I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Emotional distancing related to intimacy.
Of the 4 main types of psychological boundaries I would say I’m “Flexible”. I just need to know someone for a while and then I feel as though I can share. Normally I’m just a sarcastic ass and if you can put up with that, you’re okay by me.

Highly self-conscious.
Maybe just a little bit. Little bit.

Self-critical about their problems relating to others.
I don’t know.

Problems in occupational functioning.
I don’t know...

Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful.
I often think why people would want to be friends with me. I might need to cry now or something but that won’t make anything better.

Feeling inferior to others.
Yes, I wish to any God in the sky I can be like other people. People I know, or at least I know well enough, they can do things with ease that I wish would be natural to me.

In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
No, not me. Crowds I find to be uncomfortable if I’m alone.

Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts.
Does making art stuff count because all I think about is problems when I’m painting or drawing by myself.

And now a word from my sponsor:

“Specifically, various anxiety disorders in childhood and adolescence have been associated with a temperament characterized by behavioral inhibition, including features of being shy, fearful, and withdrawn in new situations. These inherited characteristics may give an individual a genetic predisposition towards AvPD. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.”

And according to Millon's subtypes, my closest assessment has me at “conflicted”.  The other descriptions are just a bit way off the mark for me.

Well, shit. I don’t know what to say or think. I’m not gonna go over the details of my childhood, this isn’t the forum to do so. What do I do? What? Do I go to the library and get all the self help books they have? I don’t know. At this moment I don’t know. What do I do? Do I fix this? More importantly how do I fix this. I can fix most anything so does myself count? 

 Well, I think I have an idea for the next composition, what avoidant personality disorder feels like. Now how do visualize it? No, I’ll think about that later! I have this news to contemplate on for a little while.

July 18 - 24

July 24

Spent the morning looking at the painting. What the hell is going on?? It’s needs a lot more complexity. A lot more. I’m getting the shapes blocked in and I think I like what I’m seeing. I need to work on the sky to get a real sense of compositional balance.

Yesterday T asked if I’d like to have a piece in an upcoming show on the 2nd. I’ll be dropping it off tonight. I won’t be around for the opening though. I think about hiding at these things. Strange thing though, I want to hide out at the openings but the last opening have been strangely pleasant so I don’t know why I feel that way. I just try to not be “weird”, but who am I kidding. 10 minutes in a gallery and I’m ready to go home or walk around somewhere else. I’m going to Devils tower that day anyways so I’m not sure why I’m even thinking about it.

And T and E gave me a rockin Pangloss Gravatron shirt! I’ll be wearing it with pride. Note to self: don’t paint in the shirt.

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July 23

Woke up, and put about an hour into the painting. Added a little more to the pallet - some paynes gray, cobalt blue, and titanium/zinc white. Just a few tweaks before work.

Got to work, soon after I get the last of my tattoo equipment in. Fuck yeah.

Lately there has been haze around the mountains. Gonna add haze... and people to this composition.

Resumed painting after work. The thing about painting is this. You’re alone. Totally alone. I’m alone in this process. I can’t remember if I thought this in college art class. There is no one around to talk to or listen to. I have the voices in my head, or memories really. I get the step-guy in my head telling me that I’m stupid and worthless again. This painting is stupid and everyone else will think it’s stupid too. There are the occasional snickers but I have the self doubt. The whole painting is doubt. Doubt about me being able to make this presentable at the end. I have to keep telling myself that this isn’t so bad. It’s okay. I just need to keep working on it and it will be done. I don’t hate, I don’t want to hate, but I really dislike the step-guy and the damage he’s caused. I’ve only made the effort to know people that I think are worth knowing. It’s been a long going trend in my life and I don’t know if it’s worth breaking. I want to surround myself with good people that I would like to know for the rest of my life. There are only so many people in my life that know enough about me and whose thoughts and opinions really matter that I can trust them and ask for them. My inner circle, my 3 rings. I’m not strong enough on my own to fix everything, I thought I was but I’ve been wrong. So this painting, I’ll keep going, fixing and adding as I see fit for what I see. I’m not a total failure at art or anything, and the memory voice is wrong. It can go to hell. I’ll even drag it there myself and bury it. I’ll take the magic pill that will allow me to do this. Some have confidence in me and I wish I can feel it when I’m working on this painting. But for now, I’m on autopilot. Once it’s complete the real feedback will come in, or not, never can tell.

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July 22

Worked like a fool all day. Got some more tattoo stuff in the mail, that was good. Planning the new tattoo design as time permits of course. Seems that my research info can only go so deep into the subject matter of the talisman. Enough of the bull shit though.

The painting has changed. I don’t hate painting. It’s the feeling preceding the painting. What is gonna happen, where is it gonna go. Will the time spent be worth it? Thinking about this new painting, I don’t know what is gonna show up.

When sketching the thing in, all I know is my heart will be there, stabbed with nails or something sharp. The pain that I was feeling during the first month of my newer job. The thought that the pain I was experiencing was my heart about to go out, maybe at any moment. I was thinking that I can take control of the pain and make it go away. I could count on it several times a day. I was thinking about how embarrassing it would be to have a heart attack at work or if I was at home and no one would know and whether or not a hospital was an option for me. Maybe the ground will be very sharp. An old element in my drawings of 10 years ago had new sheets/plates stacked and suspended over old sheets/ruins. The skyline, like in all of Denver has to be incorporated into this piece. I’m here, this is what I see, it’s that simple. When I’m out and about in town or on the road, I feel that everything is familiar, but not familiar at the same time (doublethink for seeing). I’ve seen it before, but haven’t seen THIS before. The same applies for the human structures in this. I’ve seen them, we’ve seen them, but do we know them. Clouds, you can’t beat the clouds here. Listening to the Pandora radio that I’ve got going, one station played Slayers “Raining Blood”. I’m not into Slayer, just not my thing, but the image of blood falling from a lacerated sky. I like it. It’s done. But where do I go with the color pallet?

Colors used thus far...: Burnt Umber, Yellow Ochre and a bit of Red. Full color pallet to be used: gray, van dyke brown, white (titanium/zinc), some kind of red, burnt/raw umber, some kind of blue. Let’s crank this out.

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July 21

The painting has changed. It has all changed. After looking at the old sketchbooks and my fragmented plans for compositions, this portrait has changed. The portrait will have to wait. The Monster series will begin now. I was too lazy to make a stretcher bar for this painting. ironed a majority of the wrinkles out, sized it and primed it then stapled it to the wall. I have no idea what I’m gonna paint on this, other than a few loose ideas in my head. Buildings, things falling apart, a giant heart with nails or something sharp touching it or coming out of it. Symbols of my fear. My fear of my heart stopping with the occasional pain. Buildings representing where I am now, here, in Colorado. The sky, the mountains, the fear that lies underneath what we think we know. A body that is not alive or it too alive and fears death. These are things I don’t know. I have to do this now. I can’t think about where this is going. It’s done. I can make shit up as I go along and painting is no exception. I’m gonna do it. Monster. The series has begin. I should be clear, I don’t see it as a demon. These aren't my demons, they are my Monsters. Things that are too powerful for me to defeat, but I will try. Maybe others will see their monsters in this painting too. I can only hope, but I have no hope so my wish is to have other feel something that they can relate to. If not, no big deal.

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July 20

More tattoo machine practice. Picked up a few more books from my mothers place. J and A hung out today and I made some raisin bread in the machine. I really like the damn machine. Now that I have 100lbs of flour in my car, I’m gonna use that shit up!

Looking at some of my old sketchbooks I see where I began my line/sketch drawings. They first emerged in 2000. Also, there are some elements that emerge now that I was addressing or exploring back then. Even though I want this damn portrait to start, I don’t think it will, or, at least as soon as I want it to. I’ll just do my portrait a few times I guess. Maybe I’ll put the call out again but people are busy so if there are no takers, I’m doing mine. Also, the Tibetan mantra I was gonna tattoo on myself means something other than what I thought it meant. So, the Evil Eye it is. I’m leaning towards the Hamsa or Khamsa. Unless I find better images, I’m gonna do my rendition of it. So far it’s the perfect symbol to ward off evil and the patterns involved make for something that fits me well. Ugh... I CAN’T WAIT!! I just need a few small liners and I’ll be ready to do it. Aside from drawing it out in Inkscape first.

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July 19

Put the bread machine to use... and it worked like a champ! Fresh french bread baby! And today my work had to get rid of extra ingredients, so I’m saving 100 lbs of bleached and unbleached bread flour from the landfill. Anyone that comes over, is gettin bread from me.

I’m still thinking about the portrait(s) and tattoo machines. I’ll buy another machine today though. Why not right??

I need to eat better.

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July 18

I’ve been obsessing over the tattoo stuff. One thing about motorcycles, for me at least is the possibility to customize and repair the machine and ultimately make it your own. It becomes an extension of you, the owner and operator. The machine does what you want to do, not the other way around. You don’t feel that in a car. Now I’m thinking the same for the tattoo machines. There is a frame, “motor”, parts you need to be there for it to work like handlebars, etc., etc. There are so many ways to customize your tattoo machine to make it do and operate the way you want or need it to. You make it happen. I’m really loving that at the moment. Like a paintbrush, you have your go-to brushes for the jobs at hand. Eventually the brush will wear out and become a hindrance then they are retired. When I’m at work I want to be fiddling with the machines and make them work for me.

July 12 - 17

July 17

Now I just need to practice on myself. Stabbing the fake skin this morning with some of the needles makes me think that the skin is crap. … I’ll buy some bananas tonight I guess. I gotta get the bread maker working for me now anyways. I’ve put off food shopping for too long.

So the whole banana thing... very interesting. I get it. I totally get it! This weekend I’ll get an assortment of needles to practice with. I am so almost ready to begin tattooing people.

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July 16

Busted out my tattoo tools and just laid some ink down on some fake skin. That stuff was pretty crappy. But the marks and patterns I was making, it’s just stippling. Adding more juice makes tighter stippling. It’s like an electric paintbrush. I’ll need some real skin soon. I don’t think I need to waste too much time on bananas or fruits or pig skin. I’ve been drawing for 20 years, painting for almost 15. I’ve put my time into technique. What I really need it tool tutorials.

God, I want to conquer the fucking world right now. Not be famous, but be unmatched in my own little teeny tiny piece of the universe. I can do this, I’m pretty damn sure of it now.
Of course, anyone that knows me knows that when I’m into something new, I don’t stop ‘till I understand my interest almost fully. This is no exception. This is art with a machine. I like art, I like machines, now art with machines??

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July 15

So musing on tattoos. When I see it done (lots of crap out there) well, I understand the physical ability to do it. It’s like I’m being reminded of how to do it again. At least that’s how it feels now. This week will be all about putting the machines to use, not on people, but just feeling the things in my hand and the marks they make.

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July 14

The day began as usual. Replied to email, did a few errands, blah, blah, blah. Completed Silent Hill: Homecoming. Easier than I thought it would be.

On my drive to get the tattoo I was thinking about art and shit. I think what I have is very low self esteem. I don’t do terribly well with compliments. The more I know and trust certain people, I have to believe what they say, otherwise compliments are usually compliments without much weight. I think that is why I take so much time to begin paintings. I have this doubt about making them, when really I can do it or pull off a strange composition and make it work at the end. Not until I begin a painting or drawing the doubt kinda fades and it’s replaced with a singular goal of “just finish it”. The whole process of tattooing seems to be the same. Tattoos are just another media, like watercolor, oil, or acrylic. The most important part is the artist side of things. Anyone can draw from a copy, but can you draw from nothing and use the tools? I can draw from nothing and the tools are learnable.

I had this strange burst of something yesterday. This voice in my head was telling me to take the art as far as it will go. I can do this. Be my own person and do what I was supposed to do. Make my damn stupid pictures and survive on skill, it’s a realistic possibility and is worth pursuing. I’m not meant to work for the man, I’m meant to work for myself. I can’t fall into the trap of feeling needed or wanted at work because lets face it, you and I are replaceable at any paid task we’re to complete. We can’t replace who we are though. Who am I, well, I don’t know yet, but I can do more than I’ve allowed myself to do all these years.
I don’t want to work for anyone anymore. I want to travel, actually see the world in person. Drop everything and just do stuff on a whim. My job won’t allow for that though. I think tattoos will compliment that ability though. At the very least it’s another skill in my bag of useless tricks that might actually be useful to me. Fuck it. Let’s do this. I’m ready now.

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July 13

Did a little bit in the studio, mostly just looked at stuff and moved the easel. These ideas for paintings are burning in my head now, but I think I’m not doing them on purpose. I don’t want to stretch any canvas for them. I just want to make them, not even draw anything out. I should draw a bit just to see what is in my head. And yet, I don’t even want to begin the process of making any of them. It’s the initial dread of this unknown content. It’s strange, I want to make them but my body isn’t letting it happen, or maybe it’s the other way around? I’ve promised myself that once this portrait is done, then I can do my series.

Other than that, played a bit more of Silent Hill: Homecoming. I’ve made some quick progress in that game. In a way I’m playing it to finish it now. The game, or rather all games just doesn’t bring back the old feelings. Come to think of it now, games were an escape for me. It took my mind of the present. Now I can’t stop thinking about the present and that I’m wasting my time. But I think playing a good video game every now and then is okay. My game standards are very high now. I’m old school anyways, where the good old days were Mega Man 2, Blaster Master, 2 player Rescue Rangers, Ninja Gaiden, the Castlevania series... They just don’t make them like they used to.

Had a hot day in the morning and by noon there was some rain. And it rained alright... Thunder and mother fucking lightning. My poor motorcycle, she was just taking that wet beating. I was reminded that it hails out here... so maybe I have to buy a cover for it.

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July 12

I must be the most boring person in the world. Sure as hell feels that way sometimes. If there were a gear in my ass, I’d kick it.

Talking to A about the process of creating and making a painting, I said what was really on my mind. Just took a little alcohol to say it (one of those WTF kinda things I was saying). I hate making paintings. I have to think about what it is that I’m doing, plan out things as I go along, try not to fail so hard when I’m in the process. I don’t like painting in some ways. The set up, clean up, and just wondering what the hell I’m trying to do. It’s frustrating. I think the only way for me to make any content that is worth making is to not think about it any more. Really for the first time in my life, I feel that I can make and enjoy a series of paintings that not only I but others will get something out of. And, I might be able to really crank these things out. The only problem now is where do I store them?? I’ll probably just do them flat against the wall. I can’t be dragging paintings around with me every time I move. They sometimes get damaged and I am tired of dragging them around. I’m so tired of it. I might just have to put them up for trades or something.

I might go into more detail about my process of making pictures, but so far this is a bit different. If it crosses my mind in the future, then I’ll address it.

July 7 - 11

July 11

Argh... No more fucking around. Studio setup, paint setup, material setup, mental setup. All need to be done ASAP.

Photograph fresh varnished paintings and get them up on the websites.

Went to the the art opening for Pangloss Gravatron. I actually kinda feel inspired to create and make stuff. Also, check the weather if you’re gonna be out late. I didn't. I took my motorcycle into town and locked my helmet to my motorcycle. I decided to take the visor off because there were some shady kids across the street. Well, a few hours later, it rained... hard. And I took off the visor of my helmet. So wet helmet, downpour, and thunder and lightning. Yeah, I faced off mother nature. I don’t care who you are, but when you ride into a storm on 324lbs of metal at 80mph, and telling yourself “we’re fucking doin’ this!” Yeah, who wants a desk job...

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July 10

Varnished two paintings before heading off to work this morning. Nothing glamorous about that. Cleaning varnish brushes suck. Talk about several days of just cleaning and cleaning. I don’t know what’s better. Putting my hand down a drain to clean shit with my fingernails or restoring a brush for the next varnishing. I did get a tattoo confirmation time for this weekend. So I’ll shave up in the meantime I guess (not my junk). Just as good I’m getting some black surgical gloves for tattooing. Fuck yeah. Shit is happening.

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July 9

I began the day with a rude awakening. Bunch of assholes were outside my window at 6-6:30am this morning. Assholes. Talking all loud and shit. I went to bed at 12am mother fuckers.

Dreaded coming into work. And of course, there were emails... Yesterday was a shit typhoon and my shit work space was knocked over and I was covered in not only my shit, but other peoples shit as well AND the only thing that could get me clean was a bar of the shittyest shit scented soap and shit covered rags. I’m just gonna rock the shit stains at the moment. What else can I do? A perfect shit storm in the middle of summer. I’m not very happy at work lately. Time to consider the future. I also haven’t brought or eaten much of a lunch at work in quite a while. I’m down to nothing in my fridge. That means I’ll have to make some food... don’t want to but I gotta. Feed the beast within, not the shell.

I don’t care what you say, but having the right bowls for food really does the trick.

Why the hell am I even doing this project? To prove that I can or to make me do it? I’ll figure that out later. Why did I do this again? And I gotta varnish two paintings. Shit.

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July 8

Sometimes work is a shit sandwich. You are forced to take a big bite and smile and sell that sandwich to anyone that looks your way. Thanks Metalocalypse for that reference. So that was my day. I was just looking at it, looking at it, and finally I had to bite into the day. I've dedicated all my thought and action into the day, all 11 hours. I got things I should be doing. I’m feeling very worn out, I can’t say I've had this experience with other jobs in my life.

On the other hand, I let T and E borrow my prosthetic legs that I picked up the other day and gave them some desserts. I’d rather be doing that with my afternoons.

I have no new input into this portrait. I didn't think for a second about it all day. Kinda lame and not how I wanted it to be.

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July 7

Spent the first few hours removing rust from the pans in the morning. The chemical removal was a bit slow so I busted out the 220 wet sandpaper. I was doing this in the shower and now I think I could have fucked up my shower. But... that really did the trick. I then primed the pans w/ olive oil and cooked them then went to use butter and that was working pretty well. After the application of olive oil, my place was VERY smokey. So smokey in fact I don’t know why my fire alarm didn't go off. I don’t even feel like checking it. Fuck it. I’ll just be super safe with electronics.

Went back to the outlet thrift store and looked around again. Found more cast iron pans and managed to get three air cushioned lighting tripods. I think they extend to 8-9 feet. All I have to do is replace the locking screws with some longer ones because the jamming shims are gone. It was a pretty good deal if I says so myself. Now this means I have to stop going. I've gathered enough over these last two days. Went to my store of choice, H-Mart. I bought, you know, just some food stuff. Got a few of the basics and will experiment w/ the cast iron in the next day or so. Should be kinda fun? Also, I looked at the paintings that need some varnish and they are both dry. So I’ll varnish in the next day or so after I make doubly sure that there is nothing that will come off w/ the application of the varnish. I can finally call the two bastard paintings done! Fuck, it will be about time.

Been thinking more about the Philly trip. I gotta do a more thorough cost analysis and factor some of the daily drive times, hotels/motels, days off, etc., etc. Blah, blah, blah... Maybe I’ll cap the days at 10-12 hours max on the road. Not counting rest periods or sight seeing. All I know is that it will have to be before Halloween. I don’t want to travel out that way with the possibly of snow. I really want to see the ocean again. Might not be my ocean but I don’t care. I can even do a captains log, but I’ll call it “drivers log”, and begin “Earth date: the day and time”, and make voice notes then transcribe them. Just a stupid thought but it did cross my mind.  That is, IF, I'm still doing this stupid blog thing.