Getting Some Ideas on Paper

June 28

My struggle with making pictures



“I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being; let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

-Etienne de Grellet (1773-1855); Quaker missionary

I've come to a realization of my working method after all these years. I no longer spend the time to draw out and compose a composition. I used sketch books to figure out all the ideas, then enlarge the drawing and transfer that to a canvas. This used to work for me because that is what I knew. Now, I spend the time in the sketchbooks to make notes and draw out elements that I think are interesting or have some importance to what I think I want to do. Creating a painting is about passion, hate, and ambition, and they all try their best to halt me in my tracks by making every step a struggle.

From that point I sketch out various interpretations of the words. Even at this point I still don't see where the composition will go. The notes run the spectrum, from explanations of personal struggles to current political events. Any of these could then be used in the making of a composition that I feel need to be painted. Even if the idea or concept maybe, say, “struggle,” how do I make a visual representation of a “struggle.” How many elements would I need to add to make the composition a good presentation of a “struggle.” How much of that can be personal, or is it personal to begin with?

After some point it's time to start painting on something. I feel I usually waste too much time on drawing and fooling around anyways, so I’m trying to move faster toward that actual painting. More accurately, I tend to put off painting or drawing compositions. When I actually begin to lay out the painting, however, I know it will change but how I don't know. That is the hardest part of painting, letting the change happen. The physical ability to paint or draw is one thing. Making a painting from a collection of drawn elements to make a big picture is another. Painting and laying down color, trying to figure out where the painting is going, has become a difficult process for me. I don't find it enjoyable, well in a way yes, kinda.  The lack of control and just being in the back seat of the process is something that I have to get used to and trust my mental judgement to handle the subconscious details. I look at a painting in progress and think I'm all wrong about it because I, sometimes, don’t feel like I’m in complete control or that it has gotten away from me. What does it say? What does it mean? Why am I wasting so much time on it? Will it get better? Sometimes I have a composition in mind so it's more of a technical task to complete the composition and less about thinking it out; instead, it's just about finding a way to finish it. I don't always do that though.

Yeah, 3-sided pyramid all the way.

When I have a bunch of ideas in my head the the painting will, at some point, want to be made. That is often when the mixed messages will work against the composition and I have to struggle to make it work, to make it all play nice. That is when I hate the painting. So far, with 100% of my paintings I've reached a point where I know everything works or works to the point where I can't do anymore for it. Sometimes the painting will sit for a month and I get tired of looking at it. I can't do two paintings at once, it would be unfair to the painting in progress and the painting to be started. When I'm working on these things I begin thinking of the end result, and often when I can see it, that means the end is near. That is where I can lay in a little bit of color and bring out the necessary details of what I need show. The uphill battle of the painting has come to an end.

Some paintings have a deep symbolic meaning for me, often the ones with names (names begin before the composition usually). Others with no title were just ideas and sketched concepts that came together at the end. This isn't always the case, but being titled or untitled does show how they started, at least.  If the painting never had a title to begin with and no title comes to mind when I'm done with it, or nothing comes to mind in 20 minutes then no title. This is one of those things where I over-think what's going on. It's a situation where I want to skip to the end and not experience the whole process of creation. I'm tired of over-thinking everything including what I do and how I intend to do it. That's where some people have to chime in and say “quit being stupid,” and that works for me. I create my own stumbling blocks, my own fences and boundaries, and someone will just have to set me straight with a word and I'm back to reality. Because this portrait project is a personal one and not commissioned, I'm dreading the whole process of what I'll need to do to get this thing laid out, filled in, and finished. I'm currently on the verge of panic about this but I don't break that easy or at least I can't show it. I've painted before, and I can do it again. This is just another art battle that I have to suit up for and fight. I'm still digging deeper into myself about why making art is important to me. I can begin a dialog about shamanism and mysticism with art but won't. That won't help this process and I'm not an anthropologist. It’s just me over-thinking. So, as I think about this process I fight to keep my inner door locked and depression outside but that battle has been going on my whole life. This is what gets in my way from time to time and is the most exhausting fight that I go through. It dulls everything and I can feel it coming on as I type this. I will try to distract myself, focus and TRY and not think about anything that I have no real control over. But it’s always a struggle.

I know I want the background to be more busy but the ground will be desolate.